John Ashcroft (1942 - )

In the second week of decomposition, the human body - inflated during the previous days by foul-smelling bacterial by-product gasses such as hydrogen sulphide, methane, cadaverine and putrescine - collapses in upon itself. The flesh has been reduced to a cream-like putresence, no longer solid and unable to hold in the majority of bodily fluids, which - if not replaced earlier in the process by a preservative such as formaldehyde or other funeral-preparatory emblaming fluids - will escape the body.

 

And in November of 2000, Missouri voters decided they'd prefer this over another term of John Ashcroft.

 

His early life and career

Another graduate of that old Administration factory Yale, and a first-generation American of Norwegian descent - thus possibly explaining his gregarious good nature and easy-going human warmth - Ashcroft began his career as a Missouri state auditor appointed by governor Christopher Bond in 1973. From there he served as State Attorney General (two terms, 1976 and 1980, during which time his biggest achievement was saving America from the menace of comedian Tommy Chong's online bong-shop) then governor of Missouri (two terms, 1984 and 1988, then Senator (1994) and then lost it all to a dead man (2000).

 

In 1999, then-governor Mel Carnahan challenged Ashcroft for his Senate seat, but courted defeat when he committed what most political analysts would consider political suicide - he died. And yes, while the American public overwhelmingly considers the plane crash to be "a sexy kind of death" (See Buddy Holly, John Kennedy Jr, et al), you'd think it'd be difficult for an immolated corpse to overtake a twenty-five year veteran of state government come election day.

 

Anyway, Ashcroft lost.

 

Tits!

Appointed to the office of Attorney General of the United States by President George W Bush in 2000, and serving in that office during the events of September 11, 2001, Ashcroft's term is most notable for failing to secure so much as a single conviction related to the terrorist attacks of that day. Keep in mind that the previous administration under President William Jefferson Clinton and Ashcroft's immediate predeccesor as Attorney General Janet Reno secured convictions against all six conspirators in the 1993 terrorist attack on the World Trade Center.

 

This is conceivably because Ashcroft's efforts as Attorney General have largely been to defer the authority of his office to Executive, Military and Intelligence Office efforts. An avid supporter of the Patriot Act, Ashcroft encouraged expanding its reach in the form of Operation TIPS - an outright breach of the First and Fourth Amendments - and the Domestic Security Enhancement Act - which ceded judicial authority to the executive branch - both of which he principally drafted.

 

It's fitting then that Ashcroft's term - aggressively impotent as it was - is largely remembered for his fear of exposed breasts.

 

He totally loves making this hand gesture all the time.

In January 2002, Ashcroft ordered the partially nude statue depicting the "Spirit of Justice" in the Great Hall of the Justice Department¹ covered, as a single exposed breast was often shown behind the Attorney General during his frequent and meaningless press conferences (Technically, this means there was a pair of tits on screen at any given time, mismatched as they were). Given that a common propoganda tool at the time was that Muslim extremists brutally punished women who did not cover every inch of exposed flesh under traditional burqas, Ashcroft ordering the covering of an inanimate woman's make-believe boob sort of underlined the persistent, depressing unremarked irony which practically defines the Bush Administration.

 

¹Not to be confused with the Great Hall of the Justice League.

 

 

No Blood for Oil

Ashcroft is a devout member of the Assembly of God, and as such adheres to certain rituals and beliefs accepted by the Church. Pentecostal in origin, for instance, the Assembly of God embraces baptism, speaking in tongues, and faith healing (Although, for a fundamentalist entity, it's at least forward enough to allow female ministers, suitably draped). As part of his faith, Ashcroft is annointed with oil at the appointment of official duties (When Holy Oil - which I have no idea about, I've never seen it at Safeway - is not available, he has substituted Cooking Oil. Mmm. Can you picture that fellow dripping in delicious, trans fat free canola oil? Delicious).

 

What makes this a matter of concern is two-fold; First, that he performs a religious rite upon the acceptance of secular duties has raised the hackles of those pesky few remaining citizens who give a damn about civil liberties and the mythological, winged creature known as the separation of church and state. For a narrower audience, that he repeatedly performs an essentially pointless ceremony (it's arguably made irrelevant from a ceremonial viewpoint by the reality of the separation of secular and religious roles in government) implies an unflexing preference for the procedure of law over the common sense enactment of its authority. Luckily, he didn't do anything in office², so all fears were for naught.

 

²Well, he rigged up press conferences about immaterial terrorist threats in order to give occasional booster shots to the President's flagging approval ratings, and he covered for friend Karl Rove's tuckus in the Valerie Plame scandal, so that's not nothing per se ...

 

Don't Know Where Else To Put This Bit

But it must be mentioned that Ashcroft maintains an interest in Barbershop Quartet, along with fellow "Singing Senators" Trent Lott, Larry Craig, and James Jeffords. They are the new Beatles.

 

Ashcroft in Summary

Singer/songwriter/politican who lost an election to a dead man and was thusly rewarded with the post of Attorney General of the United States of America. Was also afraid of large stone breasts.

 

Link: Truth- The gospel recordings of Ashcroft and Bacon

 

Sources:

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