Donald Henry "You go to war with the army you have" Rumsfeld (1932-?)

The Secretary of Defense under George W Bush. He is the 21st person to hold this position, and in the annals of history will be characterized by his ability to sound like a high school substitute teacher when he is defending his reasoning for lack of troop body armor.

He has a world-weary and straight-shooting persona, a person who likes to look like he's cutting right through the very dense freedom-mustard while explaining how insurgents are (surprisingly enough) in the north south, east AND west.

He has had a long and illustrious career in the Illuminati Washington, previously serving under both the Nixon and Ford administrations. In the Ford administration he was 13th Secretary of Defense, although surely he has done alot more defending in this adminstration than Ford's.

He is also the prominent member of The Project for The New American Century, an organization that believes "American foreign and defense policy is adrift" and it's not realizing it's full potential for "global leadership". Other prominent members of the PNAC include Dick Cheney, William J Bennett, Jeb Bush, Steve Forbes, Lewis Libby, Paul Wolfowitz, and (just to fuck with you) Dan Quayle.

He has also served the private sector in a number of "salt of the earth" multi-national corporations, including his position as the head of the pharmaceutical company [G.D. Searle & Company], the same company which managed to somehow push America's favorite artificial sweetener, Aspartame through the FDA approval process. Aspartame has been linked to in excess of 90 separate health problems, which include (but are not limited to): abdominal pain, anxiety attacks, arthritis, brain cancer (Pre-approval studies in animals), breathing difficulties, burning eyes or throat, burning urination, inability to think clearly, chronic fatigue, confusion, depression, diarrhea, dizziness, excessive thirst or hunger, fatigue, feeling 'unreal', flushing of face, hair loss (baldness) or thinning of hair, headaches/migraines, hearing loss, heart palpitations, hives, impotency and sexual problems, inability to concentrate, insomnia, irritability, feeling as if one is "thinking in a fog," marked personality changes, memory loss, panic attacks, phobias, poor memory, and slurring of speech. Hey, has anyone checked Bush's coffee?

Rumsfeld (or "Rummy" as the president refers to him) also served on the board of Asea Brown Boveri, a Zurich based engineering firm which happened to have two nukeler reactors out back, and in a fit on spring cleaning sold them to everyone's favorite spline on the Axis of Evil, North Korea.

"The Rumster" was also Chairman of the Board of (and now owns between $5 and $25 million worth of shares in) Gilead Sciences, the Company who developed Tamiflu, the drug used in Bird Flue treatment. The very same drug the Pentagon has ordered $58 million worth, to protect our armed services. (How much body armor does $58 million buy?)

Although during his career in the private sector, the tireless Rumm-ster still found time to snort coke off the back of hookers serve his country. While being paid as a board member of various private corporations and reportedly making 12 million dollars on Searle's sale to the SUPER eco-friendly Monsanto, he held such notable civil service postions as Member of the President's General Advisory Committee on Arms Control in the Reagan Administration, Senior Advisor to President Reagan's Panel on Strategic Systems (Yep, that'd be a tech advisor to "Stars Wars"), FCC's High Definition Television Advisory Committee, and Chairman of the U.S. Commission to Assess National Security Space Management and Organization (We call it "Star Wars Episode II")

He also has a Slime-mold Beetle named after him.

Links:

*CBS News- Rumsfeld Resume

*The D-rumm's Wikipedia Page

*PNAC Statement of principles

*Aspratame Health risks

*CNN- Rumsfeld's growing stake in Tamiflu